


What You Deserve

by socketplug



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Depression, M/M, Suicide, Time Skips, hot damn these tags aren't really doing this any credit, mention of suicide, more to add as story progresses - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8679706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socketplug/pseuds/socketplug
Summary: "World Champion figure skater Viktor Nikiforov was found dead in his apartment in St. Petersburg, Russia, earlier this morning. Investigators say that Nikiforov’s death was most likely the result of a suicide attempt."Yuuri Katsuki keeps stumbling through different lines of his own story as time continues to loop after one particular event- Viktor Nikiforov, his longtime idol, commits suicide. As Yuuri's choices continue to shape the paths he walks, he finds himself getting to know and love someone who's having a hard time living.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> ***This work's purpose is not to romanticize suicide or depression in any way, shape, or form. If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts, please call a local suicide hotline immediately and seek out treatment.***

_World Champion figure skater Viktor Nikiforov was found dead in his apartment in St. Petersburg, Russia, earlier this morning. Investigators say that Nikiforov’s death was most likely the result of a suicide attempt._

***

Minako Okukawa’s heels clack harshly against the pavement. She moves with fluid purpose, something years of being in the way of a camera had taught her to do no matter how emotionally compromised she felt. She knows how to carry herself like she’s elegant, consequential, and most of all, indestructible.

But the second her perfectly manicured fingers touch the doors of Ice Castle, she feels her resolve start to waver.

“Shit!”

Her fist only stops a second before it collides with the glass door. Minako presses her hand against it and sags into it lamely. She didn’t want to be the one to have to do this, but she wanted to make sure Yuuri wasn’t alone when he found out. She knew the kid was fragile after years and years of teaching him, and no doubt something like this would absolutely shatter him. His confidence had already taken a plunge after his crushing loss at the Grand Prix and Nationals, so naturally the timing couldn’t be more perfect. But she couldn’t be angry about that now- it had already been done. Right now, she had to be there for Yuuri first and foremost- as his coach and his friend. She takes a deep breath, corrects her posture, and takes the handle of the door.

Minako steps into the ice rink. The first thing she sees is Yuuri doing a turn sequence gracefully on the ice, and she catches herself almost smiling. Yuuri had made it clear that he was retiring from professionally skating for good, but Minako knew that he couldn’t stay away from the ice for too long. He loves it too much.

Minako’s expression then falters, and she turns to see Yuuko sitting on the bench, watching Yuuri skate with a serene smile on her face. Her hair is tied up into a short ponytail that’s loose and leaves some strands framing her small, youthful face. Even after taking care of three triplet girls, she was still incredibly bubbly and chock full of tireless personality. Minako had always admired her and had never taken the massive amount of support she had given Yuuri for granted, even as he became nationally recognized. Years later, here she was, watching Yuuri on ice looking nothing but peacefully happy. Minako moves to sit next to her.

“Ah, Miss Okukawa!” Yuuko exclaims quietly. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I thought Yuuri…?”

“I’m not here to try and convince him otherwise, as upsetting as it is,” Minako huffs, instantly ready to rant. Yuuri quitting is still very much a sore spot for her. “He’s got so much talent, if I could just-“

“We all know it,” Yuuko puts her hand on Minako’s knee, meeting her eyes. “But he’s made his decision for right now.” She removes her hand and turns back to Yuuri, eyes following his movements as he lazily skates backwards. Yuuko suddenly smiles, her features becoming animated again. “You should’ve seen him last week. He was absolutely breathtaking. He preformed Viktor’s free skate; I think it was called ‘Stay Close To Me?’ If you were watching him… ah, I nearly cried, it was almost like seeing Viktor himself do it!”

Minako’s shoulders stiffen at Viktor’s name. “…You haven’t heard the news, have you?”

“News?” Yuuko blinks, eyes innocent and owlish. “What news?”

Minako grimaces. She had prepared herself for explaining the situation to Yuuri, but she knew Yuuko had been the one who introduced Viktor to Yuuri in the first place, all those years ago. Minako pulls her phone out of her pocket and opens up a news article without a word. She can’t bring herself to watch Yuuko’s face as she reads the headline, and her nails dig into her hand when she hears Yuuko’s soft gasp.

“No,” she breathes, staring at Minako’s screen. “How could he… Why…?” Minako turns to look just as Yuuko’s eyes start to fill with tears. Minako hates herself as little sobs start to echo around the quiet of the rink, and hates herself even more as she hears the sound of ice skates gliding closer and closer to where she and Yuuko sat.

“Yuuko? Is everything alright?” Yuuri says, concerned. He skates to the closest door off the ice and opens it, making his way over to the bench where Minako and Yuuko sit. Minako’s heart clenches in her chest. She had been hoping for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he already knew and that even though he had been probably suffering alone all this time, she at least didn’t have to break the awful news to him.

“Oh, Yuuri,” Yuuko cries, throwing her arms around his neck. She sobs into his shirt.

“Did something happen?” Yuuri looks at Minako, confused and concerned. He puts his hands awkwardly on Yuuko’s back, trying to comfort her.

Minako takes a deep breath. “Yuuri… Viktor Nikiforov. He’s…” Minako hesitates.

“He’s dead, Yuuri,” Yuuko sobs into his shirt. “Yuuri, Viktor’s dead.”

 ***

Yuuri walks through his house in silence, ignoring his mother and father as they greet him. Minako follows behind him, trying to grab his attention with arbitrary phrases trying to get him to speak to her, to talk it out. But Yuuri ignores her- he’s got nothing to say. Minako eventually stops in her tracks as he reaches the stairs and climbs up to his room. Yuuri hears her turn around as his parents ask her what the matter with Yuuri is.

Yuuri opens the door and shuts it behind him, not wanting to see anyone. He leans against the wall, looking around his room- the countless posters of his idol’s face stare back at him. Viktor Nikiforov, Yuuri’s reason to start skating in the first place, the man who had inspired him to become the best skater he could possibly be, to be brave and put himself up on stage for others to judge, to work hard in the face of failure, is dead. Yuuri’s eyes land on a particular poster from a few years ago- it’s a photo of Viktor mid-skate in a black sparkly outfit, eyes focused and almost…

Sad.

Yuuri forces the thought out of his head by taking the top of the poster and violently ripping it off of his wall, tearing off the bottom right-hand corner. Yuuri’s breath hitches as he crushes the poster against his chest, fighting back tears.

Viktor Nikiforov, his reason for doing the thing he loved most in the world, fucking killed himself. He decided that his life, for whatever reason, wasn’t worth living anymore, and he decided to fucking go and die. It didn’t make any sense- Yuuri had always found purpose in figure skating, and the better he was at it, the more he felt, well, _meaningful_. Was being the best of the best not enough for Viktor? Was ice-skating not _challenging_ enough for him?

Yuuri throws the poster on the floor in rage and falls onto his bed. He begins to ugly sob into his pillow, thinking over and over: _This isn’t fair- this shouldn’t have happened. Why did this happen? He didn’t deserve this._ Yuuri shuts his eyes.

_He deserves another chance._


	2. First Jump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's first jump.

 

“Oh my god, Yuuri! That was incredible!”

Yuuri’s eyes snap open. He’s in the ice rink, standing right in the center posing and breathing heavily as if he had just finished a piece. He immediately stumbles and falls onto the ice, not prepared to suddenly have to balance himself upright. He looks around the room, startled.

“Yuuri! How did you manage to skate exactly like him? It was like watching Viktor himself preform it!” Yuuko exclaims, her hands gripping the railing of the rink in excitement. Her face turns puzzled as she examines Yuuri. “Yuuri, are you alright? You look kind of dazed. You didn’t fall too hard, did you?”

“This is going on YouTube right now!” Lutz shouts. “You don’t mind, right?

Something about this is much too familiar. Didn’t this… already happen? Yuuri could’ve sworn that he had just gone to sleep after-

“Posted!”

-He had found out Viktor... Was it all some sort of weird dream? And even so, if he had been dreaming, how did he end up-

Yuuri’s train of thought is interrupted when Yuuko’s fingers snap in his face. Somehow in what seemed like no time at all to Yuuri’s shell-shocked person, she had made it to a kneeling position beside him on the ice. “Yuuri? Yuu-ri,” Yuuko says, trying to get his attention. “You’re spacing out. What’s the matter?”

“What day is it, Yuuko?” Yuuri says, cutting off the tail end of her sentence.

“What? It’s… the 15th, I think. Why would you ask something like that?”

Yuuri stares at her. That can’t possibly be right, that would mean…

“Yuuko, I’ve gotta go,” he stands up and skates off the ice. He haphazardly throws off his ice skates, grabs his shoes, and leaves the building. As he walks away, Yuuri checks his phone- he unlocks it, opens up a web browser, and types Viktor Nikiforov into the search bar. He hesitates a minute before pressing go, unsure if he wants to see the articles that say… that thing, about him. He braces himself, touches his thumb to the screen, and sees…

A Wikipedia article, a photo of him, and a couple miscellaneous articles about his achievements in figure skating. Yuuri clicks on the Wikipedia article and scrolls to the section where his birth and death dates should be posted, but only finds the former. Yuuri’s so confused and upset he nearly gets hit by a passing bicycle, the rider ringing his bell at him in annoyance.

Yuuri closes the article and decides it might be best to walk over to the bench next to the railing by the bridge, a good idea considering his hazy mental state. Was everything that happened last night just a dream? Or, rather, was everything that had happened in the last _week_ just a dream? Yuuri starts to go through his messages, distinctly remembering sending Takeshi and Yuuko an invitation to meet and relax at his family’s sauna to catch up- it had been a pleasant and comfortable evening, far from the stresses of skating and career choices.

But now Yuuri couldn’t even find the text to prove it happened.

Suddenly, a clear, musical voice snaps him out of his thoughts. “Yuuri?” Yuuko calls as she crosses the street. She jogs up to him and moves to sit next to him on the bench, concern evident in her eyes. “Is everything okay, Yuuri?”

Yuuri doesn’t know quite what to say. How could he tell Yuuko that he might have traveled through time when he wasn’t so sure of it himself? It was probably the result of some weird daydream anyway, so why make her concerned about nothing?

“Yuuri?” Yuuko gently touches his shoulder. “Yuuri, what’s wrong?”

“Everything’s fine. I guess I’m just tired. Time change and all,” he laughs weakly.

Yuuko frowns. “I know you might not want to talk about your losses, but I still want you to always be honest with me. What’s the problem?”

“I’m fine, Yuuko. Really.” In fact, Yuuri’s multitude of failures last season is the last thing on his mind right now. “Thanks for worrying about me.”

Yuuko narrows her eyes and puts on a stern expression. “Katsuki Yuuri, you don’t get to act like nothing’s the matter. Now you tell me what’s bothering you or we’re going to have some problems, mister.” Humor lights her gentle eyes.

Yuuri quirks a half-smile. “Okay, okay, _mom_ , it was just a bad dream I had last night. That’s all.”

Yuuko cocks her head. “Is that so? You seemed fine this morning.”

“I guess… I just remembered it? It hit me right after I finished the routine, I don’t know. It was really weird.”

“Has it ever happened before?”  
“No, actually. I just… it’s probably just the stress.” Yuuri stares down at his hands, unsure of what to think. It had all felt so _real_ , it was impossible to deny it had ever happened.

Yuuko nods, and the two sit in silence for a moment before Yuuko asks carefully, “Yuuri, what was the dream about?”

“Oh,” Yuuri says, stiffening up. “Well, um… It was about Viktor.”

“Viktor?” Yuuko’s eyebrows shoot up. “What happened?”

“Well, it was… It was really strange. Basically, the whole week, you know, the one that’s about to happen? Well, it had already _happened,_ and at the very end of it, Viktor k-killed himself.” Yuuri turns to look at Yuuko, and at her concerned expression, immediately tries to back his way out of it. “But it was just a dream!” He throws his arms up. “Everything’s okay because it was just a dream! None of it actually happened, I’m just stressed and it scared me and that’s all. It’s no big deal!” Yuuri forces a laugh, not able to meet her expression.

Yuuko’s expression softens. “Oh, Yuuri,” she sighs, wrapping her arm around him. “That sounds awful.”

Yuuri gives a sort of half-laugh before saying to himself more than to Yuuko, “It’s okay, it really was only a dream. It’s fine.” Yuuri squeezes his hands together.

Yuuko squeezes his shoulder gently. “I love you like a brother, Yuuri. I hate to leave, but I’ve gotta run and make sure the triplets haven’t destroyed my entire business by now. Don’t be a stranger, okay? Give me a call.”

“Sure, Yuuko. I will. Love you too,” Yuuri genuinely smiles, and watches as she stands up to leave.

“You should send us an invitation to that sauna in town sometimes, okay? I hear you know the owner,” Yuuko winks, and as she turns Yuuri’s face instantly pales.

_It was only a dream. It had to be._

***

Try as he might, Yuuri can’t shake the thought that something wasn’t quite right. Though his parents typically greeted him in the same way as he arrived home, his sister had asked him to help organize the storage closet, the _exact same thing_ she had said to him a week ago in his dream. Yuuri couldn’t remember the last time he and his family had even set foot in the storage room, let alone try and clean it. His mother had come in to help with the chores telling Yuuri and his sister the story of how her parents had hated Yuuri’s father until Yuuri’s older sister came along. Yuuri’s mother had told the story quite a few times, but she still found it funnier than ever when Mari pointed out that they had probably only began to like him when he finally moved out of their house. Yuuri’s mother had laughed so hard a picture frame fell on the floor. Normally, this would’ve been hilarious to Yuuri, but he was too focused on the fact that everything was spookily familiar.

Yuuri began to wonder if he really _had_ gone back in time.

Yuuri sat down with his family for dinner that night. They were having pork cutlet bowls, his favorite, the exact same thing he had had a week before in his dream. But this time, he sat down at the table with his family instead of taking his food up to sulk in his room.

Regardless of the time paradox dinner he might have been eating, Yuuri dives into his food. Something about a hot meal always made Yuuri feel full in the best way, not insecure and empty as he so often did with all the trials and tribulations that came with figure skating. As finished the last of the katsudon, he found himself trying to explain to his dad how ice skating competitions worked for what felt like the hundredth time over, his mom happily giggling all the while. At one point it seemed to Yuuri that his dad was saying the things he was just to get a rise out of him and a smile out of his mother. Yuuri was laughing so hard he almost couldn’t remember what had been bothering him in the first place.

And the best part was, the whole conversation was totally new to Yuuri.

Yuuri cleans up his plate and returns to his room, feeling better about life than he had in a long time, his time paradox fears mostly diffused. He finally felt somewhat confident about his decision to quit professionally figure skating- he’ll always continue to have his family and friends standing beside him.

Of course, he’ll never want to quit ice-skating completely, but maybe Yuuri could take up a coaching job at Ice Castle? He had always enjoyed working with little kids, and as Yuuri was still a nationally ranked Japanese figure skater, maybe teaching there would bring the establishment more business. Yuuko and Takeshi would really appreciate it, and he was sure they wouldn’t mind the company, either.

Yuuri sits on his bed and opens up his laptop. He pulls up Viktor’s Wikipedia page that claims him to be alive, reassuring himself that everything was okay, that Viktor was not dead. He closes the window to reveal a photo of Yuuri, his family, Yuuko, and Takeshi at his going away party when he left for Detroit. Yuuri smiles and shuts his computer.

Later that night, he’s still calm as he prepares for bed. Despite the ever-vigilant nagging still going on in his head, it was much quieter now. Yuuri did always have a tendency to overthink things, to ignore rational thought and judgment in favor of senseless worry. Time travel is very much impossible, after all. That sort of thing only happens in anime. He finally settles on the idea that everything was just some sort of severe case of déjà vu and falls asleep.

 *** 

Yuuri wakes up a little later than usual, feeling refreshed. He had slept harder than he had in years without the stress of competition burdening him. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and sits up in his bed, taking his glasses off his bedside table and adjusting them onto his face. He stretches his arms out and prepares to stand up when suddenly a scratch at his door catches his attention.

“Viccan?” He frowns, scratching his head. That can’t be right, _unless_ …

Yuuri began to panic. What if he hadn’t been thinking irrationally? What if he had traveled through time like some sort of superhero? What if he had time traveling abilities, lost control of his powers, and jumped back in time to when his dog was still alive?

 _No, no_ , Yuuri reasons with himself. _That’s impossible. It could be any animal scratching at the door right now. You’re not in a hero, you’re just tired and your brain is running wild again._

The scratches are accompanied with a woof. Yuuri screams.

 _Oh my god oh my god oh my god_ , Yuuri thinks. When was the last time Yuuri had seen Vicchan? _Five years ago_? Oh, my God. Yuuri lunges for his phone, attempting to turn it on before realizing it’s dead and wait, Yuuri has the latest iPhone that came out only two months ago, how could his five years ago self have the latest generation iPhone? How does that make any sense?

Yuuri realizes that there are only two possible solutions to that question: one, that his phone had gotten sucked with him into the time anomaly which would probably not be good for the space time continuum, or two, there’s some other dog at the door. Yuuri decides that he’d better find out fast before the universe collapses in on itself.

Yuuri races over to the door and flings it open, only to be tackled by a large, fluffy, grey poodle.

“You’re not…” Yuuri raises his arm to scratch the poodle behind its ear, relieved. “You can’t be Vicchan, you don’t look anything like hi-…” Yuuri trails off when he sees the lean, tall, handsome man standing right behind him.

“Hello, Yuuri,” Viktor Nikiforov says, his long legs bending down into a squat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thank y'all for reading this far! I really appreciate it. Please leave a comment if you have something you think I could improve on or if you liked what I wrote. Anything is appreciated!
> 
> Next chapter: Viktor and Yuuri. Much love xx

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the first fanwork I've ever written, and I'm really excited to participate in what the community has to offer. Thanks so much for reading this far, and please leave a comment if you have any criticism or if you liked it!
> 
> Updates will probably come in week intervals. xx


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